To the girl I owe everything too...

1. You don't realize how important you are to me. I got my strength and my will to survive from your positive attitude and bright smile. You and I connected just because you overheard me talking to another person. Not only have you helped me, but you have given me the chance to see what a real friend is. A real friend is someone who cries with you when times are tough; laughs with you when one is acting a fool; or just makes you smile because their just being there is comforting in its entirety. You are my friend and, for that, I am forever grateful.
2. You're not alone in this. You and I have walked this journey together and we will keep doing that until we reach our destination. Although it my seem like we've been traveling this journey for an incredibly long time, I would not have wanted to do this with anyone else. This may sound so weird but seeing you go through your hard times, only makes me want to get through mine even more. Together, you and I, are finishing this journey and we will cross that finish line together. 
3. You matter. You once sent me a picture. It was a picture of a quote written in gold. The quote on the picture read, "Anyone can find the dirt in someone. Be the one who finds the gold." (Prov. 11:27). You sent me a nice paragraph explaining what you thought my gold was. Your gold is that you've made such an impact on my life as well as so many others. Thank you for being you and never forget that. You always find the gold in others and completely turn a blind eye to the dirt. And that's one of the mot admiring qualities about you along with so many others.
4. There is hope. I know there are times when you feel like giving up but just know that the feeling will pass. I am living proof. The worst of the worst has happened to us both and there have been and still will be times where I just want to end all the pain and give up. You have shown me the true exhibition of strength and bravery by facing everything that comes at you with your head held high.
5. I care about you. You have become my go-to person for just about anything, no matter how touchy or embarrassing the topic is. You're my gym buddy and my therapist and you're the best older sister that I never had. I love you so much and am willing to do whatever it takes to se you happy. You deserve that more than anyone in the world.

Thank you for being my bff. Thank you for laughing at my weirdness. Thank you for always letting me rant to you everyday. Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. Thank you for hating my ex's gf's with me on an hourly basis. But most of all thank you for being you and for always having my back on everything (well mostly everything). I love you sososo much and I couldn't get through everyday without you.

I miss you...

The Cancerous World We Live In

By: Elizabeth King

Ups and downs, 

highs and lows, 

we feel as if we’re on top of the world,

and then we take some blows.

Automatically jumping to conclusions,

we all think the end is near.

It leaves us with such confusion.

It’s a word no one wants to hear.

It takes a lot of lives,

and breaks a lot of hearts.

Those once close together,

are now far apart.

We cling to the memories,

the gentle and the grim,

remembering them for centuries,

until they become life’s hymn.

Now we are here all alone,

dealing with our insanity.

We wish the reasons were more known,

so we could get some kind of clarity.

Every time I see the color red,

I think of all the laughs and smiles,

all of the words I never said,

and I never will for a while.

And so this is goodbye,

to all the small moments of bliss.

I can’t promise I won’t cry,

All those times that I will surely miss.

Here's to new things and changes...actually how about not

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Some people say change is good and maybe it is...for them at least. For me, I don't mind change. Well, except for the changes that are to come in the next few years. I started to shut new people out and I refuse to let past people into my weird and twisted world. I don't wanna let people see the side of me that isn't strong and smiley and happy, which is the only side I let people see.

New things are happening. New people are being forced into my world and I'm being forced to accept it because there's other important people involved in all of it. I used to like change because things would get boring after a while but now i despise it. I don't like the new people that are showing up or the attitudes or ways that they're bringing. I hate it.

Mommy, my anxiety has been through the roof lately and I don't want to put all the blame on the new changes that are happening but there's nobody else or nothing else to blame. I need you so badly right now just so I can tell you everything that's going on with me, Bobby, Daddy, just everyone around us.

On the bright side, I was recommended to take Honors Government and Politics next year and I am going to try to take Honors Theology which I don't know why it's a thing. I am also taking two sciences: Anatomy and Physiology and then Conceptual Physics. and then the usuals: English, Spanish 4, and I chose to take Statistics over Pre-Calc cuz my math teacher teaches pre-calc next year and I'm having a hard time with him teaching so if I take Stat I'll have Heather which I feel more comfortable with cuz apparently Stat is super easy. "Just because it's easy, doesn't mean you need to blow it off." I can already here you saying that now and don't worry I won't fluff off with it. i still need to get into college next year which is a scary thought but we'll talk about that when the time comes.

Love,

E

P.S. I made $180 babysitting Claire this weekend and Mrs. Fiedler stuffed $50 into my sweatshirt pocket when I wasn't looking:) making money to fill up my future gas tank to come see you and bring you nice pretty flowers and have our nice conversations again!!! Miss you like always and I cannot wait to see or hear from you again!!!!

Sunday Feels

Hi Mommy! It's yet another Sunday without you, which also means a new week without you begins. I've been laying in your bed where you used to lay every night when you would go to sleep. It still smells like you. All of the memories of us watching food network or hgtv in this exact spot have been replaying in my mind every second of everyday. I remember we would take selfies no matter how many chins we had because no angle made us look good. I miss you and our long conversations about anything: boy drama, girl drama, my feelings, how stupid people are, how stupid we are. It's been the little things that have been getting me to think of all those times back when we were carefree and we thought nothing bad could ever happen. 

I have a funny story for you. We had Champs today for swimming and I really wanted to drop a lot of time for 50 freestyle. One of the girls let me use her knee-skin, you know the bathing suits that cost $200 and can only be used like 4 times? Well I went into the locker room so that I could put it on and it took three other girls and me to get it on. It was so hard to get over my butt and once we got it, the rest was easy. I felt like the biggest stuffed sausage ever and it killed my shoulders when I wasn't swimming. I just thought you would love to hear that even though you probably already knew about it. 

On another note, today is Valentine's Day and I just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day to the only person I love so much! I miss you and I wanna give you a hug and a kiss , so I'm sending so many of them up to heaven right now. Eat a lot of chocolate for me because we don't really have that much in any of our cabinets right now. 

Love you,

E

To my everything...I hope you see this

Dear beloved wife, mother, sister, friend,

All this time that has passed has been unthinkably hard for all of us. We never wanted to imagine a life without the woman that had drastically changed it for the better. Although you’re gone, you’re really not. We constantly see little reminders everyday that bring back so many memories. Memories from the carefree times that we wish we could go back too. memories that had you in them.

None of this was anyone’s fault. No one asked for this to happen. We have all questioned our faith in so many ways since this whole entire journey began. Aside from our faith, we’ve all had so many questions about why this happened. Why did it have to be now? Why this fight? Why you? It has been sad that God knows how much a person can handle. We have questioned that saying a lot because God keeps kicking us in the stomach with more bad news and, frankly, it has been bad news after more bad news. 

It has, without a doubt, been the hardest time away from you. Yeah you’ve gone for a weekend or two at a time but never this long away from us. We all wish that we could see you in person or see your smile or hear your laugh or your voice one more time, but we all know that isn’t possible. It hasn’t even been that long if you really think about it. Days just sort of drag on when you’re not here with us to laugh and cry and just be. 

We miss the way you would lay with E and watch crappy HGTV with her. We miss the way you poked Daddy whenever he snored too loud while he was sleeping. We miss the way you straightened Josh out whenever he did something stupid. We miss the way you scratched Bobby’s back with your long nails. We miss eating your new recipes and pretending to like them but then you telling us, “I guess I can’t make that dish anymore since you guys didn’t like it.” We miss your strength and courage and stubbornness. We miss all the hugs and the laughs and the tears. We miss everything, good or bad. We miss you.

With more love than anyone could ever count,

us.