Here's to new things and changes...actually how about not

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Some people say change is good and maybe it is...for them at least. For me, I don't mind change. Well, except for the changes that are to come in the next few years. I started to shut new people out and I refuse to let past people into my weird and twisted world. I don't wanna let people see the side of me that isn't strong and smiley and happy, which is the only side I let people see.

New things are happening. New people are being forced into my world and I'm being forced to accept it because there's other important people involved in all of it. I used to like change because things would get boring after a while but now i despise it. I don't like the new people that are showing up or the attitudes or ways that they're bringing. I hate it.

Mommy, my anxiety has been through the roof lately and I don't want to put all the blame on the new changes that are happening but there's nobody else or nothing else to blame. I need you so badly right now just so I can tell you everything that's going on with me, Bobby, Daddy, just everyone around us.

On the bright side, I was recommended to take Honors Government and Politics next year and I am going to try to take Honors Theology which I don't know why it's a thing. I am also taking two sciences: Anatomy and Physiology and then Conceptual Physics. and then the usuals: English, Spanish 4, and I chose to take Statistics over Pre-Calc cuz my math teacher teaches pre-calc next year and I'm having a hard time with him teaching so if I take Stat I'll have Heather which I feel more comfortable with cuz apparently Stat is super easy. "Just because it's easy, doesn't mean you need to blow it off." I can already here you saying that now and don't worry I won't fluff off with it. i still need to get into college next year which is a scary thought but we'll talk about that when the time comes.

Love,

E

P.S. I made $180 babysitting Claire this weekend and Mrs. Fiedler stuffed $50 into my sweatshirt pocket when I wasn't looking:) making money to fill up my future gas tank to come see you and bring you nice pretty flowers and have our nice conversations again!!! Miss you like always and I cannot wait to see or hear from you again!!!!

Sunday Feels

Hi Mommy! It's yet another Sunday without you, which also means a new week without you begins. I've been laying in your bed where you used to lay every night when you would go to sleep. It still smells like you. All of the memories of us watching food network or hgtv in this exact spot have been replaying in my mind every second of everyday. I remember we would take selfies no matter how many chins we had because no angle made us look good. I miss you and our long conversations about anything: boy drama, girl drama, my feelings, how stupid people are, how stupid we are. It's been the little things that have been getting me to think of all those times back when we were carefree and we thought nothing bad could ever happen. 

I have a funny story for you. We had Champs today for swimming and I really wanted to drop a lot of time for 50 freestyle. One of the girls let me use her knee-skin, you know the bathing suits that cost $200 and can only be used like 4 times? Well I went into the locker room so that I could put it on and it took three other girls and me to get it on. It was so hard to get over my butt and once we got it, the rest was easy. I felt like the biggest stuffed sausage ever and it killed my shoulders when I wasn't swimming. I just thought you would love to hear that even though you probably already knew about it. 

On another note, today is Valentine's Day and I just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day to the only person I love so much! I miss you and I wanna give you a hug and a kiss , so I'm sending so many of them up to heaven right now. Eat a lot of chocolate for me because we don't really have that much in any of our cabinets right now. 

Love you,

E

To my everything...I hope you see this

Dear beloved wife, mother, sister, friend,

All this time that has passed has been unthinkably hard for all of us. We never wanted to imagine a life without the woman that had drastically changed it for the better. Although you’re gone, you’re really not. We constantly see little reminders everyday that bring back so many memories. Memories from the carefree times that we wish we could go back too. memories that had you in them.

None of this was anyone’s fault. No one asked for this to happen. We have all questioned our faith in so many ways since this whole entire journey began. Aside from our faith, we’ve all had so many questions about why this happened. Why did it have to be now? Why this fight? Why you? It has been sad that God knows how much a person can handle. We have questioned that saying a lot because God keeps kicking us in the stomach with more bad news and, frankly, it has been bad news after more bad news. 

It has, without a doubt, been the hardest time away from you. Yeah you’ve gone for a weekend or two at a time but never this long away from us. We all wish that we could see you in person or see your smile or hear your laugh or your voice one more time, but we all know that isn’t possible. It hasn’t even been that long if you really think about it. Days just sort of drag on when you’re not here with us to laugh and cry and just be. 

We miss the way you would lay with E and watch crappy HGTV with her. We miss the way you poked Daddy whenever he snored too loud while he was sleeping. We miss the way you straightened Josh out whenever he did something stupid. We miss the way you scratched Bobby’s back with your long nails. We miss eating your new recipes and pretending to like them but then you telling us, “I guess I can’t make that dish anymore since you guys didn’t like it.” We miss your strength and courage and stubbornness. We miss all the hugs and the laughs and the tears. We miss everything, good or bad. We miss you.

With more love than anyone could ever count,

us.